SHAPE UP

THERE'S ANOTHER TROPHY TO WIN

Ok, time to refocus, we have a Champions League final this Saturday and I’ve been drinking for days and I’m not sure if I vomited in the plant pot inside or outside but nice candles will keep the family guessing for days.

I wrote a big piece yesterday and accidentally put it behind a paywall, take a read if you didn’t.

How are you? Good. Now tuck your shirt in, get some coffee in the system, and let’s get stressed about Saturday until we make ourselves ill.

Let’s get back in the victim hole nice and early… it does appear that now the Northern media has realized how massive we are, the next move is to paint our fan base as upper-class and affluent. I swear I saw a broadsheet interview a woman with the surname Coutts-Money. That’s like working in tech and being called Jobs-Apple. So bad, I’m not sure AI would have offered it up.

There will be hangers on through this phase we’re about to enter. Celebs speaking out for their Arsenal faux fandom, their publicist recommended, losers you know from back home dusting off an Arsenal shirt they’ve never worn, and the general ‘I mostly support England’ crowd trying to align themselves with what is happening in the moment.

But regardless of the country you were born in, the hood you grew up in (Upminster, bitch), or how you came to be an Arsenal fan… if you’ve endured this banter era, you are part of the mandem.

One thing I’m actually really happy about is the under-35s who’ve spent the last 7 years purring over Santi Cazorla and Aaron Ramsey like United fans eulogize over the Class of 92. Like, I kinda get it, but really, you’re out here fighting online about the lost greatness of Abou Diaby and the underrated finishing of Theo Walcott? Damn, that is poverty… but now you can move on from that. You’ve witnessed greatness. It’s Eze and Bane masks from here on out. You’ve been freed from the shackles of mediocrity.

I still kind of love that Arsenal are this monster club for no reason grounded in anything outside the hope of greatness that was never achieved. We shouldn’t be as big as we are. We’re a prestigious club, we have great colors, our history has been marvelous… but why we ‘Dallas Cowboys’ big without the honors? Why did the world decide that following an Arsenal that was forever on the cusp of good was the thing? It’s crazy. But beautiful.

You see a guy in a bar with a United shirt, you know how that happened… you see a person in a bar with an Arsenal shirt, especially in a foreign country, it speaks to a resilience you can’t underrate. Truly, it is the weirdest and most beautiful phenomenon in sport. Man City have done everything needed to be a super club, yet you never see a shirt wandering New York, and they still put their tickets on general sale during a title run-in. The only way to get a spare ticket to Arsenal is to meet a dark internet hacker who can unlock encrypted phones and hack like Neo from The Matrix. There’s levels, my friends.

Let’s talk about Arsenal this week…

The team exits the country on Thursday to prepare for a BIG weekend. That means they’ll be in training on Tuesday and Arteta has a huge job to do to get everyone nice and focused for the biggest game in our recent history.

I don’t want to preview the final right now, but let’s just consider the moment.

Football has never been more monied.

The Champions League is currently extremely stacked. You have nation states, loads of mega rich English teams, and a group of Euro competitors that dominate the league because they take all the money.

Getting to the semi-finals is an achievement, after that, it’s a fine margins game. Don’t listen to anyone tell you anything else. The best players, the best managers, the biggest occasion… it’s all a roll of the dice. The job is to make sure you’re on the right side of those margins. Which is fucking hard against players like Dembele and Kvaratskhelia.

What I love about this PSG match-up is the general view is that we’re going to get walloped by the most delicious attacking setup in world football. Luis Enrique, one of the best managers and one of the greatest role models in the game, has PSG playing football from an era of yesteryear. It’s 2010s Barcelona. He can do that because PSG doesn’t have a league to contest, they are a £460m-a-year team built for the Champions League. Most of their stars have played under 1,700 minutes in Ligue 1, those minutes are against desperately underpowered French teams, in a league that is so uninteresting, it can barely get a TV deal.

PSG would not win the Premier League. Don’t hem and haw on this. It is a fact, they would break, they’d buckle, they would be totally bullied if they had to do 3 games a week and be serious in the most savage league in the world. It’s not a criticism, it’s just a truth you have to accept.

That is an advantage. Arsenal are street fighters who might not be the most attractive in the ring, but they can get it done under any circumstances. PSG are the rich kid who has been trained by an ex-Champion because they have insanely rich parents. They can only win because they have privileges Arsenal do not.

No one thinks we can win. That is a blessing. Because we can absolutely use our brute strength and ugly features to get this game under control.

Our defence is the best in the world.

Our fitness and power is unmatched.

We can grind harder than anyone.

PSG’s strength is how they break from their box when you f*ck up a final action. Best believe it’s better to sky a shot than create a turnover that moves the ball from their box to ours in 6 seconds.

Our strength is the control we have in the final third because taking risks isn’t really our thing.

Another strength we have is a full squad. It’s pretty easy to guess which team Enrique is going to choose. There aren’t many surprises.

Arsenal? Who knows.

Kai or Gyok?

Zubi at right back? No way. But Arteta did it and he’s done mad shit like this in the past. How about Mosquera? What about Timber on the internet saying he wanted to play? Hincapie also capable on either side.

Myles at the base of midfield? But he’s a baby. What about Zubi? They sometimes put Declan there.

Creators? Eze does 10. But so does Martin. What about Declan in that 8 position? Merino also did 30 and looked good. Surely not?

Saka on the right, sure. But the left? Could be Trossard, Eze, or Martinelli who was excellent against Palace.

The whole point of a deep squad was not so Arteta could break players and it’d be fine. The actual point was that we could put analysts on the back foot.

Now we have most of our players fit, so we can make Enrique guess. That is a huge, huge advantage.

The other major win we have in this game is that the main margin grabber last time was… Donnarumma. MoTM in both legs. Arsenal were by far the better team in both games, depleted. This time, we have the best keeper. They’re rolling with Matvey Safonov, who is not world class in my opinion. Good, but Donnarumma levels? No chance.

This game is going to be hard, but give me a team that actually doesn’t understand the concept of a deep block all day long over a peak Inter Milan. We will not be walkovers. If we can manage the fears, the doubts, and the feelings that we don’t belong… we can win.

I’m extremely toxic positive on this. Means nothing. But this opportunity is a once-in-5-years thing. Getting to finals is a freak. Pep G hardly did it in his whole career. We’re blessed to be here. Arsenal players need to know this could be the last time they’re ever there. Do some f*cking damage. Show up. Make them know you’re there.

Can’t wait. Not sure how I’m going to compute this all. I have no On The Whistle hosts this Saturday night, but willing to do it on Sunday. Do you want an On The Whistle? Let me know in the comments. x

P.S. Got a Champions League monthly special deal if you want premium content. Get Johnny’s final ratings of the season as part of that deal. x