I didn’t eat this morning. I won’t eat at lunch. I won’t go near a plate before the game.
Why? I’m saving some space for some of the dryest humble pie of the season… because I’m counting on at least two goals from Viktor Gyokeres.
I’m confident. Why? Because when I go really hard at a problem at Arsenal, quite often, there’s a vicious karmic response or a dead cat bounce that blows up in my face.
Rob Holding is better than you think…
Eddie Nketiah has the goals…
Fabio Vieira is a darkhorse…
Semenyo would be incredible at Arsenal…
Sorry, threw that last one in there because I was being nauseatingly self-deprecating. My point is that quite often in football, when you think a player is dead and buried, they find something deep within, and things just… turn. Confidence is a wonderful drug. It reminds you of who you were, it lets you puff your chest, and it takes you to levels you didn’t know possible. Wouldn’t this be a great time for that to happen to the big man… a Henry vs Southampton moment that sets the season ablaze for him to do what he does best… rattle the net (over and over and over again).
There’s a Sobha training ground piece that is doing the rounds online of Viktor doing shooting practice, and it’s quite honestly one of the most depressing pieces of propaganda I’ve ever seen. He’s smashing balls past a keeper mostly rooted to his line, fending off zero pressure from two coaches, from central positions he doesn’t find himself in during Premier League games. He’s being coached like the club think he’s back in Portugal. Not sure what the thinking was there. You could put a Sunday League player in that training video and they’d look good. It reminded me of Owen smacking up that 12-year-old keeper when he was 16. A real head-scratcher.
But sometimes the things we see in those videos come to life; we’ve seen Raheem training ground videos with Arteta manifest in similar goals for Man City. We saw Odegaard practicing breaking up play for the Villa game, which was replicated on game day.
The media around him that is serious is also so, so bad… it kind of makes me beleive that there’s a chance something could just snap and we’ll see an amazing transformation? Check this out.
He runs a lot and tries very hard, but often looks out of his depth at this level. Many games have appeared to pass him by; he has had no more than 32 touches in any of his 18 Premier League appearances and has had fewer than 25 touches in 15 of them. He has failed to have a single shot in six different games and has managed just one attempt on four other occasions.
When he does get a sight of goal, his finishes often appear to lack guile or craft; he tends to strike the ball hard, but while seeming to give little thought to how he might actually beat the opposition’s goalkeeper. Two of his five goals have been penalties; without them, he has had chances worth just 4.8 xG all season, at a rate of 0.35 non-penalty xG per 90.
We also had this from the Discord from Ooh2Bee.
Gyok’s goals per SoT ratio is 0.38 (which is bang average, btw, despite his ability to thundercu*t it - and his accuracy is even worse). He is fundamentally never going to score 38 goals a season in the PL. I expect the stat quoted was just hin getting 100 shots (3 shots per 90) at all. Which would be a stretch, since he never gets his shots off. This is because the strength that compensated for his lack of pace in Portugal is irrelevant when he is coming up against grown men here. Statistically, at his present rate, if Gyok somehow does manage to get to 100 shots this season (he’s currently heading for more like 85 even if he plays those 33 90s), he’ll score 13 goals. If he plays 33 x 70 minuteses (far likelier, even if he somehow remains first choice with both Kai and Jesus fully fit), he’ll get 65 shots and…eight goals.
Am I daring the Footballing gods to strike me down? To shame me? Put my football writing amateur-ness under a red hot ‘fuck you’ microscope?
If I speak…
The humble pie could be delicious, but to be honest, I don’t really give a shit about anything outside a win this evening. This is a revenge tour. We need some Liverpool closure after what happened at Anfield, and I’m truly not fussed if it’s the worst win of all time. If Own Goal wants to step in for its 6th of the season, so be it. If it goes in off Big Vik’s ass as he lies on the floor, let’s have it. The most important thing this evening is three, succulent points, and the momentum to go 8 points clear.
8 points? Oh yes. Manchester City faltered yet again. They dropped a one-goal lead against Brighton after going ahead via a Haaland penalty. Mitoma was the man to level it with a low driven shot under the hapless Donnarumma. Is there a worse player on 500k a week? I don’t think so. Never seen a tall boy on his arse more from corners, and rarely do you see someone of that prestige make so many gaffes. A dreadful downgrade on Ederson.
What is extra specially incredible about this run is they’ve had three draws in a row… and they’ve somehow managed to underperform xG to an extreme level. All that firepower and they can’t get more than one goal from 3 xG against Brighton. 1 goal from 2 xG against Chelsea. 0 goals from 2 xG against Sunderland. When we were all slamming Arsenal for their xG nightmare in December, we didn’t have it in our minds it was possible that could happen to a team with a super goalscoring freak like Haaland.
Well, it has, and I’m having fun watching it. Quite amusing as well that they left Semenyo at Bournemouth for Arsenal and Spurs… and the Ghanaian scored the winner against Thomas Frank.
Talking of Frank, how crazy that he came out for the second half against Bournemouth with an Arsenal cup for his tea. How does that happen at Bournemouth away? What sicko did him dirty like that? Then he LOSES again. Porro gets caught eyeing up the Spurs fans who were singing ‘we get battered everywhere we go’, then that sparks VdV to go and have a row with their fans in the stands (second season we’ve seen this after Big Ange and Mathys Tel got into it last season).
But you know what? Good. They deserve it for cheering when City walloped them. I hope they’re watching our title run, again, and feeling pig sick about how their mentality in the stands has ruined the culture there.
There were also some other funny results. Chelsea lost to Fulham. Sesko scored TWO goals against Burnley, finally opening his Premier League account after a dreadful start. Newcastle pipped Leeds in a 7-goal thriller. A good night for Premier League football.
But will it get better this evening with a belter between Arsenal and Liverpool? I hope so. Let’s keep them crossed for a BIG one.
Ok, see you in the comments. x
I truly don't care if Victor doesn't score in the next 5 games if we win them all and he contributes to the victory. All our focus should just be on getting the 3 points every matchday.
Against pool I want to see the lads play with a fire in their bellies. Destroy the champions and become champions elect.
I want to see Gabriel bullying, Rice marauding, Saka rinsing people and big Vic scoring with dick goals again